Did I gossip? Did I not??

Some scars in life have no date etched upon them. And none of mine have.Much of my problems in life are cause of my un-eidetic memory.

A person X told person Y that she overheard me and a person Z laughing about him(viz Y).

Y was obviously upset cause both I and Z were his good friends. He did not however confront either me or Z about it. He kept it to himself. He forgot and forgave us both.

I got to know this much later. Having been forgiven by Z for a mistake I am not even aware makes me feel sour even after years. I was believed to have been scoffing at my own friend.

I have always hated people who backbite, people who do not stand upto their friends when they are not around. I believe that a true friend is not someone who appreciates you in front of you, its someone who can speak for you when you are not around. I always thought I did that. I always thought I was loyal to my friends. That was, infact, the only thing I was happy about myself.

And here was I, doing the very same. Did I really do it? Would I have really done it? Thats where my memory fails. I do not recall what the topic was nor what we were joking about. I sometimes feel compelled to ask Z what we were joking about. Let me tell you Z has quite a good memory. But I am not sure if Y wants Z to know about how he felt.

I want to know what we both were joking about. If its true I want to avoid making such jokes again and if not I can sleep with a better conscience. Every minute I feel indebted to Y's kind act and every minute I hate myself for hurting such a nice person. I hate myself cause I gossiped behind someone's back. I gossiped about my own friend


So when I am not even sure if I gossiped or not, I can't clarify to my friend nor dare face myself.